A post from an artist and friend I love and admire recently reminded me of a journal reflection I completed as part of my YogaHour Teacher Training in early December 2020 (see the “Dear Ellen” section below). My friend’s post had to do with a recognition of how BURNED OUT she was feeling before the pandemic shut down life-as-we-know-it and radically changed life for artists like her, whose performance calendars used to be chock full of gigs but suddenly found themselves unexpectedly “free.” The “freedom” from an overly busy schedule may sound great to many of us who feel pressure to be so many things at once these days: working from home while also parenting/overseeing online schooling, for instance. But this kind of “newfound freedom” the COVID shutdown offered has also, of course, been incredibly anxiety-inducing for many, not just for those who depend on performance income but for so many others in artistic disciplines or service industries who have not been able to return to the “fullness” of their pre-pandemic schedules.
This notion of fullness and freedom, as well as their opposites and degrees/extremes–feeling “overly full” vs. depleted, for instance, or feeling tied down vs. having “enough rope to hang oneself” (alcohol sales SPIKED after the shutdown!)–set me to thinking again about that December journal prompt from my yoga teacher trainer who asked us to consider the phrase:
“Practice and all is coming.”
And challenged us to reflect on:
“What all is coming for you? And what part/role is your yoga/meditation practice playing?”
The phrase “Practice and all is coming,” which was oft used by the founder of the Ashtanga Yoga system, is not without its own share of controversy, but that’s a subject for another day! It is in reference to principles from the Bhagavad Gita, or “The Song of the Blessed One,” one of the best known parts of the ancient six-book Indian epic the Mahabharata. This sacred text is really about how to live at peace in a world that often feels anything but peaceful. The short answer: “Let go.” This is, obviously, way too much of a distillation, but much like the Tao, it is essentially a reminder to
“Do your work, then step back.”
It suggests our job as practitioners of meditation or yoga—or just humans!—is to simply act, to practice for the sake of the practice and detach from expectations for results. In my experience this is much easier said than done.
We are a do-do-do, go-go-go kind of society, one very much focused on measurable outcomes, rankings, results. Multi-tasking is also a norm for many of us, though it’s not terribly good for us, and there can be enormous pressure to juggle many tasks all at once, to somehow prove we are successful by demonstrating how ridiculously busy we are. Yet, another message from the Gita advises that one
“who can see inaction in the midst of action, and action in the midst of inaction, is wise.”
In other words, when we can see in the midst of our go-go-going, and do-do-doing, in the midst of all that apparent action, that we are not, perhaps acting in a way that yokes us to “the blessed one” (this can be conceived of as God/the Divine/your inner Guru/Truth), we have an opportunity to step back, take a deep breath, and simply be. To “be still and know” is NOT easy for most of us. But it is important, I think, to NOTICE when we are driving ourselves to the point of exhaustion. This is not what “the blessed one,” either that part of us which knows best or that “higher consciousness,” that inner loving parent, most likely wants for us. I think most loving parents’ desire is not for their children to be driven to the point of exhaustion. Even if they do hope that their children achieve or excel in some way, I expect loving parents wish that for their children so that they may feel uplifted or enriched in some way by their actions, not depleted or even abused.
According to the Gita, when we let go of attachment—whether it’s our need to outperform others or “beat our own best time” in some sort of real or imagined race/competition—every action can become a kind of devotion. When we are able to let go of attachments/expectations or the need to prove something, our actions can become like an offering or prayer.
I have a track record of WAY over-scheduling myself, of trying to be in too many places at once, of trying to be too many things for too many people, of running myself ragged. This was 100% the case for me right before the COVID shutdown and I wrote about this a bit in my post from Mother’s Day 2020. I was depleted to the point that even things that used to bring me joy, including singing and even yoga, no longer did. I had lost that connection with the “song in my heart.” Strangely, the pandemic offered a rare opportunity for me to “get off the treadmill,” the one that made me feel like I was running a marathon but getting nowhere. And it forced me to SLOW DOWN, to turn in and tune in to what my body-mind-spirit had been trying to tell me for years: let go. You have nothing to prove. You are already whole. You are already free. You have ALL the time in the world to do what you need to do.
There’s no need to do it ALL, ALL at ONCE.
Even still, it has taken MONTHS for this lesson to really start to sink in, and I still struggle with the urge to “do too much”—like every darn day. It is hard to practice for the sake of practice and to release expectations. But the work is worth doing. And when I do take time to cultivate stillness, to be still and know, to actually listen for the song in my heart, I can see truth in the notion that
the more stillness we cultivate, the powerful our actions become.
Below is my response to the journal prompt, related to the phrase “Practice and all is coming”
What all is coming for you? And what part/role is your meditation/yoga practice playing?”
Dear Ellen,
In my previous journal exercise, I shared that before the pandemic shut down life as we know it, I was struggling with depression and some pretty wicked imbalances in my life. I was dealing with a lot of anger as well, or rather not dealing with it. I was numbing it in many ways, including over-consumption of alcohol and really “overdoing” or “under-doing” in a lot of areas of my life.
I have tended toward this kind of too much/too little behavior at least since adolescence, if not since childhood. I tend to drive myself too hard and spread myself too thin and then suffer burnout, and I’m not great at seeking help.
But, when the shutdown forced me to turn inward in new ways, I intentionally sought out an “Ayurvedic reset” in April, which helped quite a bit to nudge me down the path toward healthier choices. I wasn’t “magically healed,” but I began to feel better than I had in years and felt able to control my consumption of substances and to regulate my sleep and digestion.
Being my “if some is good, MORE is better” self, I signed up for an additional Ayurvedic workshop in mid-May. After all, the May yoga training I’d registered for in Colorado was cancelled so why not? And why not also sign up for an early June Yin Yoga training in KC? And since that was just one weekend, why not follow it two weeks later with an online training with Para Yoga? It was perfect! The Para Yoga training would end August 5, and I’d start YogaHour training August 6! Oh! And also, why not sign up for another Ayurvedic Summer Sadhana that same week?! And, hey!! Since I’d be leading some back-to-school practices for teachers, why not ADD an online course on yoga and mindfulness for K-12 teachers at the end of August?!
And, WOW! Talk about an abundance of riches! When offered a job at a new studio, why not then add in ALL of the online training required for the 4 classes I’d be teaching for them? And, to help manage all the “ALL,” why not throw in a 40-day Kundalini Sadhana in September?! And also a 30-day Ayurvedic “spiritual toolkit” challenge in October, in addition to an Ayurvedic Anatomy Workshop?!
Yep, Ellen…that’s who you’re dealing with here, ol’ ALL or nothing “Ado Annie.” What can I say?
“I’m just a girl who can’t say no!”
Or I have been…I’m getting a little better at saying no to some things. But, not surprisingly, after I made it through our October YogaHour training weekend, I returned to KC and had to admit to myself I could not keep doing it ALL, at least not all at once, and not while still trying to teach 8-10 classes a week and still have some semblance of a home life. As you can imagine…by mid-October my head was swirling with so many different training opportunities, and the election madness didn’t help my sense of overwhelm/anxiety.
The trainings were ALL full of such GOOD STUFF! But I couldn’t digest it all, couldn’t integrate it properly.
I started to see imbalances show up in my body’s response and realized it was reacting in the same way it did a year ago, when I also packed my summer with training in Ashtanga and Purna Yoga, among other things. After a consult with the Ayurvedic practitioner I’ve been studying with, I realized this behavior shows up with a vengeance around the end of Summer/beginning of Fall in particular, the time when I first became pregnant, and then lost my first child, and also the time our last child would have been born. No wonder I try to distract myself with anything and EVERYTHING, all the ALL. That’s my MO:
stay so effing busy you don’t have time to sit and digest, to feel your feelings, to deal with the loss, the grief, the anger, all the ALL.
The election and pandemic and racial violence and societal unrest and general in-freaking-sanity this year brought did not help with my perennial challenge of slowing down and tuning in to what I feel and learning how to process it. Instead, I felt compelled to “just keep swimming,” just keep forging ahead full steam. As a teacher, too, I felt the need to show students we could “do hard things.” We can keep learning and growing and rise to challenges. What my practice has shown me, though, is
there’s a difference between challenging yourself and self-abuse. A “good kick in the pants” is not the same as “kicking yourself when you’re down.”
What my practice is teaching me is to “listen louder” to my gut. My gut knew when I was making the choices to do ALL the trainings that it was not realistic to expect myself to maintain that kind of schedule. My gut knew something felt off about the new yoga studio. My gut knows I can’t do it ALL, ALL at once.
Too often I override that gut feeling. There’s a lot more to say about the roots of that but I’ll spare you, as this is already WAY TOO LONG, ha!
How ALL this relates to my practice is that my practice is teaching me to SLOW DOWN! And to remember that
this practice is about joy and love and healing and peace. It’s not a race to some finish line and it’s not a performance.
There’s no need to push myself to learn “ALL the YOGA!” In fact, detachment is what I’m called to cultivate through this practice. So, that’s what I’m working with right now: trusting my gut and detaching from ALL the “shoulds” in my mind. The more I practice trusting my gut, the more empowered I feel. The more I commit to my practice, not because I “should” but because it’s a form of self-love, healing, peace, joy, the more I’m able to tune into what my gut is trying to tell me.
I need to listen louder. That’s the message that’s coming to me now and my practice is helping me develop my ear.